Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
