in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
this is an emotional support booty call
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
