All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
