his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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