some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
please don't ironically join a cult
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