I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
