i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think I won the penis lottery.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I didn't notice because vodka
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
