And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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