My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
