I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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