Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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