So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isnβt very good.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
Randomize
