WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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