just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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