he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
