We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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