My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Small penises have feelings too.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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