the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i wish my penis had a tongue
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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