are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
