I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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