I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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