he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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