My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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