i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Still dying that you shit outside
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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