awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
