My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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