New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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