He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
