Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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