either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
