Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I would ride that face into the sunset
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