I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
