Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
