Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My life is pants optional.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
