no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
