My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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