I wish my penis had an off switch
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
