This is not my ceiling
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
