I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
