wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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