so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
