White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My balls are so social today.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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