this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
