i wish my penis had a tongue
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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