so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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