before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
