I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
