So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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