i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
