I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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