i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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