it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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