I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
