Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
