Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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