ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
