Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
