can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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