You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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