dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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