last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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