so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
