Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
